NEW YEAR NEW ME

I didn’t set a “New Year New Me” goal for 2017. I remember distinctivly saying that my only goal was to be better than I was all the days before.

I promised myself that I would only compare myself to me, not other people..

Because lets face it wether we like to admit it or not we all unconsciously compare ourselves to other peoples lives. We all want something someone has wether its love, fame, fortune, material things, friends, to be skinner maybe thicker, confident, or just plain lucky.  We all do it and you are a lier if you say you don’t.

Saying that I wanted to be better was really a shot in the dark because I didn’t know how I was going to be better I just knew why I wanted to be. I could have chose something like  toning my body up a little bit, or maybe I could have chose to stop smoking, or even cussing. Don’t get me wrong they are good goals and can help people feel good about their selves just the tiny thought of knowing you did it.

But for me when I die…

People want remember that I died being fit and firm. They want remember that I smoked like a freight train or that I cussed like a sailor. They would remember the words I said to them or the advice I gave. They would remember my heart and I feel like nothing else is significant.

I wanted my life to consist of higher quality that what it had been in the past years. Of course I know my life is just as valuable as yours, but the realization of me getting older hit me harder than I thought.

You can call it the close to 30 panics, but I call it a new beginning.

Everyone has room for improvement and if your not there yet its okay because they say everyone gets wiser with age.

So here we are four months into the year 2017 and I am reconditoned.

I didn’t realize every “new me moment.”  It didn’t hit me until a few days ago actually.

And by looking back at how much things had changed for me silently I realized what flaws I had to begin with. I wanted to share them because everyone has them but not everyone is brave enough to speak on them…

MY FIRST FLAW: In the past I had a tendency to judge someone intuitively even though I thought I could read them like a book I learned that I was uneducated on who they really were.

The drug addicts got put on the list with everyone else that did drugs. They were all the same to me. It didn’t matter how well I knew them if they did drugs they were already dead to me. Sounds brutal I know, but I have had a lot of run ins with drug addicts, trying to help them.. some more than once and it basically ends the same. They all lie, and steal, they become selfish and as a mother of three I have to protect my family. I have heard every excuse under the sun and I felt strongly for so long if their life was screwed up that it was their own fault, and some of you may say it is.

Some of you may say that its their choice, but the new me moment I had was realizing that it might have been their choice the first, second and maybe third time. But Im sure that no drug addict in this world wanted to be labeled that. No drug addict wants to be addicted they are still mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews and maybe even someones grandma or granpaw.  They are still people with hearts and even though some of them die leaving world doing drugs thats not how we will remember them.

We will remember the words they said and the person they were before drugs crushed them. When they die its not going to matter to you or me on how many drugs they consumed. We will only share the good times, the smiles, and laughter. When they die a little bit of you will die too.

So this year I stopped judging the “drug addicts” because this year 2017 their not drug addicts to me.

Their family and friends; my family and my friends but the most relevant fact is that they are people too.

Humans that have possibly dealt with more than you and I. They are people that are struggling a in different way than I am. They are people that are coping with life a different way than me and in 2017 I have learned that its okay. I learned to love them on there good days and love them harder on their bad ones. Even just the thought of them knowing I’m here is enough.

MY SECOND FLAW: I have always fed into the drama that seemed to follow us even after high school. Its easy to get caught in the middle of something, anything that involves “Friends and sometimes even family”.

“The he said, she said ,what did you say type stuff?” 

I learned that myself included always listened to speak instead of listening to understand.

Over the years I have fed into the drama, and the lies. I fed into wanting, needing to have the last word. Giving opinions when I really didn’t have a say. Badmouthing people just to be liked or loved by someone I liked or loved. Believing things about people and looking at them differently because of  the things I had heard without really knowing the truth.

When someone would lie about me I needed to be heard. I would become angry and say things that I shouldn’t. I would forgive to easily and wouldn’t be satisfied so I would fake a smile and act like everything was resolved when reality it was just hidden for the moment.

But this year, I forgave them without telling them. I didn’t forgive them for them but for me and my own healing. I apologized to the ones I felt like I hurt even though some of them laughed because they had no idea what I was talking about. I learned this year in 2017 that People that love you wouldn’t lie about you and we have to learn that some people are toxic to us no matter how much we care about them.

So many people have trust issues and we sit back and wonder why and its because we do it to ourselves. The lies, being betrayed, feeling forgotten use to bother me, but this year I have not had a reaction to any of that bullshit.

Because at this point in my life I don’t care who doesn’t like me, or who makes rumors. I have had a lot of opportunities to state my case, to defend myself but not every situation needs a reaction. Ive learned the reason I use to react so fast was because I felt like I needed to feed my reputation, but by choosing to back away and not have a reaction it has been the strongest thing I could have ever done. Because after all that quote that everyones shares on Facebook but doesn’t quite understand is true..

silence is the loudest noise.  

 

Everyone has room for improvements, but its up to you to make them. Be you! Be a better you. Even if you can change one flaw about you that is enough. 

No thats not all my flaws but its a start. Whats Yours?

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